Quarter Life Crisis

Kristina • 25 • MA, USA • This is my heart in words

April

How can I begin to describe

The ocean

Of emotion

The toll

Of my soul

To feel each and every person

To see them in a way

I cannot describe

I cannot explain

 

Tell me I’m not alone in

These feelings

This needing

Of love

Of a touch

So gentle yet so profound

It engulfs me as such

A mere leech

Yearning to latch

Attach

And bleed you dry

 

I do not have ill intent

I swear my love is innocent

And I yearn

For reciprocation

The anticipation

To see in the eyes

Of another

The eyes of my lover

A hunger so loud

A passion so proud

I can find some relief

After years of heartache, denial, grief

Lover

I have always loved harder than words permit

Since I was a little girl, I have felt like this

I was strong in situations beyond my own ability

But with matters of the heart, came endless fragility

Is it my ever increasing desire to know

To connect and repair others

Do I believe my soul is the only source

Of recourse in which they can recover

I have always felt deeper than the oceans span

I have been called crazy for this, maybe I am

Maybe the world needs a little crazy like me

Someone to offer the unexplained

The indescribable flux of black and white

Up and down, utter bliss and extreme pain

For how boring would life really be

Without chaos, without magic, without wonder

I have always known and felt these things

For I have always been a lover

New

I wanna stay up late

Watch you get to know yourself

Show you what it is like to be loved

Unlike anything or anyone else

I wanna be honest and open

Vulnerable and raw

Share a dream, a fear, a hope

Anything at all

I want to give you passion

That your entire body feels

So good you are beside yourself

Questioning if it’s real

I wanna spend the extra

Five minutes in the morning

Tracing your face with my fingers

While you lay there snoring

I want you to need me

Without losing yourself

Come to me in times of pain

And I’ll be there to help

I want to offer relief

So soft, so sweet

I want your misery to subside

The moment our lips meet

Thank You

I have fleeting bouts of romance
They are as intimate as I allow
I’m not searching for fulfillment
Still I treat them as such

I fall in love with everyone I meet
They are all so special to me
My soul is too big to be confined
To one mere bodily vessel
One earthly realm
One fluttering heart

I distribute myself accordingly
I am in constant adoration
Of every moment shared
Each meaningful encounter

It matters not if we spend an hour
Or the better half of a year
I am forever touched by every smile
Every story, every exchange

Even if my imprint is far less profound
I am humbled to be a part
Of anyone’s life, romantic or not
If only for but a minute

Radioactive

I had not one ounce of remorse
For the way I looked into your
Deep, dark, alluring ocean
Of an optic soul;
My bodily attraction to your
Every mechanical breath
Function and movement
Was electric
Unwavering
And sinful

I had but a trace of guilt
For the way your hand
In a fortunate twist of fate and accident
Brushed against mine;
The thoughts that soon followed
Would turn a holy man
A shade of red
Never before seen

I had little fear of what
Anyone else thought
In regards to my darkest and most
Ill intended discretion
For the cautiously planned
Synchronized hours of togetherness
That were
Without doubt
Unruly

I could not force myself
To feel shame or sadness
For the innocent life
Being deceived
When your intoxicating tongue
Spoke circles around me
And opened the flood gates
Of my anatomic desire
Indefinitely

Desire

I want to see inside of you
I want to see you cry
I want to undress your very essence
At least I want to try 
I want to hold your sorrow 
Within my own two hands 
I want to feel it run through my fingers 
Your despair a pile of sand
I want to look into your mind
To unlock your memories 
I want to replay and relive them as my own 
As if you were a part of me
I want to see the world through your eyes
As to further comprehend you
I want to read the book of your life 
I want to break and bend you
I want to be inside your dreams 
To see what occupies your mind
I want to analyze every breath 
Every scream, every sigh
I want to share each regret 
Every heartbreak and the mend 
The time you spent, the toll it took 
Where, why, and when
I want to see inside your heart 
The pieces that make it whole 
To feel the beat, to hear the sound 
I want to caress your magnetic soul

Finding Light

I let go of fear. The fear of dying, losing, never succeeding. I replaced it with a willingness to embrace my failures. Nothing is permanent. Everyone is fighting a battle against them self – an internal war. I learned to fight in a different way. To manipulate my own self hatred and disapproval into a way to push myself further towards the light. Fear is darkness. It can envelop you. I learned to open my eyes. I stared fear in the face, I saw myself, I yelled and fought back and found the other side. Some feelings are so profound, so otherworldly that we forget they are of our own creation. We can be prisoners to these feelings, or we can utilize them. You can transform anything in your mind to alter your life, change your path, nurture the self. You are in control. But you need to let go.

Boring

I smile at everything
I talk to strangers
Nothing bores me

I work, I sleep
I cook dinner
I am fulfilled

I do not require much
I have less than some
More than most

My internal clock ticks
I am older
Though I am still young

I am in awe
At the beauty of the world
Sunrise, sunset

I am in disbelief
At the current state
Of my mental health

I am in constant gratitude
For each breath, each moment
For they are always new

I will smile at anything
I will talk to anyone
Nothing will ever bore me

New/Same

I have smelled you three times in the past month. My mind is busy, my feelings occupied. I am dating, dieting, working a new job, spending time with family, cooking, and going out with friends. I’m flourishing. I’ve lost 15 lbs and cut my hair and I’m down to drinking only 1-2 nights a week. My mood is generally positive; my demeanor mimics my attitude – honest but unpredictable. I have gained a new sense of confidence, I feel as if I’m learning more about myself every night. Things feel right, like they are falling into place. I wake up each morning a little more established.

I have repressed my feelings of sadness disbelief pain and anger. I have buried them in the back of my mind, the back of my heart, they’re in the closet of my life. I don’t always ignore them, but I seldom let them surface. It’s funny – how strongly you can feel, only to have that feeling transform into something else in just a few short months. It’s as though time is a catalyst for forgiveness, for questioning, for longing. I find myself driving in silence and replaying very specific conversations from 2-3-4 years ago. They sound different now. I dissect them, I over analyze each word, I allow my mind to wander light years away to avoid the pain staking conclusion I have made: you loved me and perhaps I was wrong. I cannot handle it; I turn on the music.

It’s like a game of tennis inside my head. A special memory comes to me and is instantly combated by a terrible one. Every kiss accompanied with an argument. Every hello a goodbye. Every smile with a stinging, salty tear. I play myself. I lose each time.

I cried for the very first time in months. Like I said, I’ve been occupied. It wasn’t long, it wasn’t a mental breakdown, it was nothing like it used to be. But it was honest. It was real. It was for you. I tried to talk to you as if you were here. Explain why I said the things I said, why I believed those things I heard. But I just ended up crying harder. There aren’t really words anymore. It’s just a long messy history of love and hate, deception and an entirely unattainable set of truths. I have no idea what my brain believes. But I know my heart. I know the unrelenting feeling in my stomach when I hear your name. When I pass your house. When I close my eyes. I know the flutter when I think a message might be from you. I know the sadness that soon follows after. I know the emptiness I feel since you have gone, despite the newfound happiness I have created. I know of the hold you have on my heart.

I have smelled you three times in the past month and seen you once. Each moment, albeit a set of mere hallucinations, was a brief but powerful reminder of the small yet everlasting space within my soul you will occupy indefinitely. If I want you there or not, the memory of your love persists within me evermore. And no distraction is a remedy for that. I continue to repress.

Criminal

When did you decide
It was okay
To play with emotions
To conquer a soul
For fun

When did you resign
To be a thief
An emotional criminal
To execute your plan
On me

When did it seem enough
When you knew you had me
When my tears went dry
Or when you saw
Another victim

When did my feelings
No longer matter
When you had full control
When you fell bored
Or when you decided
Two is better than one

The Dream

I’m still on vacation. The timing is convenient because I just moved into my new apartment and furniture has been being delivered all week. I did some light shopping for all the things I threw away from my last place. I’ve been fairly productive up until yesterday.

I slept longer than I intended due to having such an awful day and not being mentally prepared to do it all over again. It wasn’t a wholesome sleep and I don’t feel rested. I was tossing and turning, up every few hours and having very vivid dreams of the one person I was trying to escape. The last dream before I finally woke up was particularly strange. I’m going to write it entirely from memory.

The Dream

I was witnessing police brutality on a fairly quiet street in what I assume was a suburban city around where I live. It was mainly just one really violent cop using way too much force on the young couple he was arresting. Two of my friends and I stood by, somewhat afraid to move, in a state of shock. Two of the officers even seemed surprised at the other’s behavior, but still they did nothing. Then the most aggressive of the three approached an innocent bystander, gave him a quick look and began yelling. “Is this funny? What are you looking at? You wanna get arrested too huh boy?” the man had pure fear in his eyes, “No please I don’t want any trouble!” he yelled back. The officer laughed, looked at the men behind him, turned back around and shot him in the arm with a tranquilizer gun. Down he went right against the concrete curb. My heart started to race uncontrollably and as I looked to my right my friends were running off. Before I even had time to think about leaving the trigger happy tall standing dark haired cop was about 4 feet from me, staring directly into my eyes. “Is there a problem young lady?” he said in a sinister tone, “Don’t know how to mind your fucking business?” I felt my eyes well up with tears and tried my hardest to muster a loud and firm “No, please don’t” but I wasn’t successful. You know that feeling of anticipation before you get hurt? Your body braces itself, you tense up – it even happens to me before I get a routine shot. I clenched my entire body and then it hit, he fucking shot me with the tranquilizer gun, a dart with a red feather sticking out of my arm. He began to laugh and everything got woozy, I wanted desperately to run away but I was getting increasingly weak. Then I fell to the ground and his muffled laughter was echoing through the sky and ringing back and forth between my ears. I wasn’t fully knocked out. Maybe I weigh too much, I thought. After they stuffed the others in the cruiser the officer who shot me came over and kicked me to see if I was out. By reflex, my eyes opened a little and I twitched. “She’s fucking awake!” he yelled amusedly to the others. “It’s time to go to sleep there sweetie” he said with an evil grin before he fired another shot into my leg. I saw black.

Upon regaining slight consciousness I noticed I was anywhere but a police station. Why had they chosen to not arrest me? What was the point of knocking me out? They brought me to what I thought was a newer looking lake house. I was so out of it everything was blotchy and I was only somewhat conscious. I could barely control my eyes let alone any other normal motor functions. There they were, all three of the cops from before. How many hours had it been? Where was everyone else? When we were on the street it was light out, and I could see now outside the windows that it was pitch black. Two of the cops wandered around and one of the nicer looking, handsome blonde ones threw me over his shoulder. “I’ve got this one” he told the others. I don’t know where they went, but the blonde cop took me outside. It was raining slightly, not a lot. He took me into the bed of a pickup truck, laid me down gently and made sure his hand was behind my head lest it smash against the metal. Please be nice, I prayed repeatedly over in my head, please don’t hurt me, please let me sleep. And then I could see him zone in on me with these sick pathetic eyes. He touched my breasts, and stuck his tongue completely down my throat until I gagged. “You’re so pretty Kristina, I’m gonna take care of you, I promise” he said softly. I felt tears stream down my cheeks, I was immobilized by the shot, but even more so by his words. I couldn’t fucking move my arms. And what was the point? Why struggle to get free or defend myself when I was partially sedated, couldn’t run, and there were two other cops standing by that would catch me immediately. He pulled down his pants, covered my mouth with his sweaty hand so I could taste the salt, and inserted himself into me. I cried silently just praying it would be over soon. It wasn’t long but it felt like a lifetime. He finished and kissed me saying “You’re welcome baby girl, you’re welcome.”

After the incident I blacked out completely. Probably from shock or trauma, or a combination of the two. When I finally woke up fully conscious it was light out again and we were outside the station. The cops weren’t there. I wasn’t restrained or wearing cuffs or anything. They must’ve walked off for a second and no one stood guard to make sure I didn’t wake up. I didn’t even think, I went into pure survival mode and I fucking sprinted. I had no idea where I was running or where I even was but I knew I needed to get to the nearest hospital. I already knew in my head that if they booked me, they would keep me in the cell for at least 24 hours, and I would not be able to prove I was raped by that one officer, for his semen traces would likely be gone. After that it would be all a matter of he said she said, and he was an attractive looking cop, why would he ever rape me? I remember running for miles, looking like a drugged up mental hospital escapist. I had a bruise on my arm from the first dart, probably one on my leg too but I didn’t have time to look. I just ran. I finally approached a small convenience store where I wanted to use their phone. Moments after I entered I looked up on the television and see my face. They were claiming I was on the run. I hadn’t even been booked yet and it had been less than half an hour since I escaped and there was a clear cut image of my face plastered on every news outlet. I looked at the register clerk with the most sincere plea, “Please don’t tell” I said, and in an instant I ran off.

Out of sheer intuition I had a feeling there were several places they would look for me first. My apartment, my father’s house, my job, my friend’s, etc. So I avoided those places. I was mainly concerned with getting to a hospital, because now that I was on tv I knew people would be less willing to help me. Despite my intuition, I went to my work. The people here know me, I thought, they will let me use a phone or someone will drive me to the hospital. I arrived and ran straight to the back, trying to find anyone who knew me. Shortly thereafter, sure as shit, the police were there. Asking anyone if they had seen me. I told everyone not to tell, that they were evil cops who had hurt me! I showed them the bruises, but even the people I knew looked hesitant to believe me. I looked like a crazy person. I felt like one too.

I waited it out in the bathroom, which to my luck someone lied and said “no one is in here.” They slowly filtered out, and I made my way to the front, up the stairs into the office, and ducked down immediately. I was crying, really feeling the pain now that I had regained complete feeling of my body. I looked up and saw my boss, “I think the police are looking for you, Kristina” I told him I knew, I explained the situation. I begged, I pleaded. “Please, if it’s the last thing you ever do for me, let me use this phone to call an ambulance.” he gave me his personal phone, told me the operator only speaks Spanish and to dial 57 promptly. I did, and they said they had no available ambulances to send out. What were the fucking odds. I handed him the phone, slumped further down on the floor, and wept. Knowing my window was nearing in for nabbing the cop who raped me. And now I was being actively pursued by these same guys. I was in big trouble, once they caught me, they were really gonna make me pay. My stomach turned and I continued to cry.

Then suddenly my boss grabbed my head and gently lifted it up, he gazed right into my eyes, “Are you telling me the truth, Kristina?” he asked intently. I nodded my head and barely whispered the words “I promise.” He looked around as if to make sure the coast was clear, grabbed his work coat and threw it over me, “Let’s go, quickly” he said. “Keep your head down, I don’t want anyone seeing you” So I did, we slipped out the back and he told me to wait there as he pulled his car around – the front of the store would draw too much attention. I was hesitant, part of me felt like I was being set up. I had the urge to run away again, but where? Where would I go? I’m wanted, and would be caught eventually. A few minutes went by and I saw his Mercedes pull around the corner. Relief swept my aching and sore body and I realized at this point I could barely walk anymore. My ability to sprint must have been pure adrenaline. “Where are we going?” I asked him as we took off. “I’m going to take you to the hospital myself.” he said heroically “I don’t think you’re lying, and I don’t think I could forgive myself if I turned you in and you got hurt again.” I started to softly cry. I didn’t say thank you, but he knew anyway. It was a beautiful bright sunny breezy day. Not a cloud in the sky. I was sweating in his coat. I kept it on anyway and laid my seat back as to not be seen, I closed my eyes for a brief moment.

He tapped lightly on my shoulder and I jerked upright in sheer terror. “It’s okay, it’s just me. We’re here” he said calmly. I looked up, and there we were, the emergency room entrance to the hospital. I wanted to run in so fast before anyone had the chance of capturing me again. I looked at him and said thank you. He offered to walk me in. My steps were shaky, my balance off, he held my right arm to keep me upright. Seemingly the longest walk ever though we weren’t parked far. He dropped me off at the door for reasons I understood. After all, I was being chased by the police. I didn’t want him to get in trouble after everything he had done. He gave me a sincere nod, looked both ways, and returned to his car. I was still wearing his coat, it just draped over my body like a blanket. It was early evening at this point, but the hospital didn’t look that busy. I moved in front of the automatic door, took a step, and I was in. One more door, and I would be inside the hospital. I took a deep breath, lifted my head and walked onto the cold hard tiles. I let the coat fall off my body and several people looked up at me. The room was silent. “Excuse me, I need a doctor” I said. As three nurses rushed over, one sat me down in a wheelchair. They wheeled me in the direction of the elevators, asking me questions the whole way. “What’s your name, date of birth, why are you here, is there a chance you are pregnant?” I looked up at the nurse as we approached the elevator, “I’m here because I was raped, I will tell you the rest later” and the door closed shut.

35

Thirty two
That was back when I first met you
Every little thing you did 
Was impeccable and I loved it 
Each moment of sheer bliss 
With you, I wanted to share my life with 
 
Thirty three 
There was so much more to see 
All the plans that we had made 
The life that we’d soon make 
The time that it would take 
Was worth the wait, so I would say 

Thirty three 
All I heard was “I’m sorry” 
But I was so tired of words
They meant nothing and they hurt 
You would promise me the world
And said that I would be your girl 

Thirty four 
How many times I closed the door
Only to let you right back in 
Just to have you hurt me again 
I would have never changed a thing 
Patiently waiting for something 

Almost thirty five 
I can’t believe I’m still alive 
After everything you put me through 
Only to say you cannot do 
All the things you said you would
It’s my fault for thinking you could

Thirty five 
2 years wasted of my life
But I promise you this time 
I won’t be here to say goodbye 
I have no hope left to try
You have hurt me the last time

I will never see your thirty sixth
Never give you a birthday gift 
No card no love no birthday kiss 
And the only thing that I will miss 
Is the time I spent holding onto this 

And when you soon reach forty 
And life and love seems boring 
I hope you look for me somewhere
Discover I’m no longer there
And witness the life that I will share
With someone who deserves it, someone who loves me, someone who cares 

Maine

Do you have a place where the memory of a perfect day is almost completely encompassed within? A gas station, a restaurant, a beach, a parking lot. The memory is so vivid, so intense, so beautiful, that it is painful. Something simple takes you back and it’s effortless. You can remember the weather, laughter, certain smells, the song that was playing on the radio. How the moments of that day were filled with an unwavering perfection, so special yet so fleeting. And just like that, it was over. Precious hours spent were gone without warning – with naught but a crappy photograph and your own memory to prove they ever existed.   

Mornings

Sometimes I wake up 
And I panic 
Because there isn’t enough time
In the morning 
To think of you 
Before another day must begin 
So I try to think of everything at once 
But I can’t 
Instead I replay every memory
Slowly and intensely 
Reliving each moment 
Remembering with detail 
Every last kiss 
Every passionate fight
Every painful goodbye 

Today

There was something about today. I knew from the moment I loved you that I’d never love anyone else this way. I knew it for a whole year, I knew it yesterday. But today was different.I’ve had hard days and nearly impossible days. Days where I called out of work and slept until the afternoon. Days where I drove around for hours to avoid going home. Days where I stood and looked out my window waiting for you for so long I watched it get dark outside. Days where I rushed home just so I would be there. Days where I looked for you. Days where my anxiety was so overbearing I didn’t even want to answer the door. It’s been hard, but there was just something about today. Something that made it real.

I woke up yesterday and all my anger dissipated. It turned to sadness and I felt like I hadn’t made any progress. I accepted my defeat and wanted to crawl into your arms. I wanted to bury myself in the sadness I felt. I have failed myself. And I failed you too. I’ve been ignoring what I’m feeling. I’m withdrawn from myself and detached from my emotions because anything is easier than trying to fix how I feel. Looking at myself, trying to make sense of this, it’s all I’ve been able to do. I woke up yesterday and felt defeat, but today was different, today you won.

Each moment was painful, sickening, I could feel all of it. Every final hug every last kiss every single goodbye – I relived them a thousand times. The realization that I lost a love. Lost hope. Lost a life we’d never have. Lost myself in a big way. I feel and mourn my losses as I lay here, and I think to myself the countless things I could’ve done differently. What I should or shouldn’t have said at different moments. When I should have held onto you tighter, loved you harder. It simply destroyed me today. 

Everyone says it’s going to be okay; everyone says I’m going to be alright. But nothing is assuring, none of it matters. I don’t know anything except for that itself. All I can do is feel. 

There was something about the way I missed you today. About how I continued our fake conversations in my head. How I thought of more why’s and how’s and what if’s – impractical, pathetic, and sad. There’s something about the way I can both love and hate you so much, for so many different reasons. I can feel it with such strength – I can feel my heart breaking apart. I can hear the pieces hit the ground.

There was something about the way the clock ticked louder and my bed felt bigger. I was cold. I was lonely. I was sad. I always knew I loved you differently. I knew that if this hurt it would hurt the worst, last the longest, and cut the deepest. I knew that some days would be hell. But nothing could’ve prepared me for the unwavering sadness I have found in my own eyes today, staring back at me. Nothing I did could’ve prevented this from happening. There was just something about today that makes it real, and it’s a day I never wanted to come.  

Love Is

Is love 
Desperation
Tears, being afraid
Never knowing 
What to expect
Regret sorrow
And disappointment 
Is love 
The midnight arguments 
Or a passionate embrace
In the middle of a parking lot
At 2pm 
Is love that feeling
When you want to die
Because you can’t imagine
Living with or without 
This feeling 
For a moment longer 
Is love 
Vulnerability 
Overwhelming but sacred
The feeling that 
If tomorrow 
I cannot have you 
Nothing is worth it 
Is love 
The night
When you look at me 
And want this entirely 
Or is it 
The morning 
When you change your mind 

4/17 

Part of me sees a life
In which you don’t exist 
I move on and grow up
And forget all of this 
I have a family a dog and a house 
Because somehow I learned to live without 
Without our hope, without our desire
Without the very feeling that sets us on fire
Without our future and without our love
Without everything we dreamed of 
Part of me sees an endless void
Which I fall into without choice
I’m alone there and I’m sad
I’m nostalgic, full of pain, and mad
At everything that never was 
I’m mad at you, I’m mad at us 
For not trying harder
For not going farther 
For bidding goodbye to the only thing
That some say makes life worth living 
Part of me sees a life 
In which you don’t exist 
And in that world I am empty 
Full of regret, and hopeless 

You Say

I really wanted to
I really wanted to, you say 
But no matter how hard I tried
I just couldn’t stay
More than an hour 
Or two, maybe a night 
Because upon awakening 
I had made up my mind
I really wanted to 
Try and make it work 
Start something with you 
After all we’ve endured 
It could be real and special 
Open and endless 
Yet I let you remain as
Naught but a temptress 
I really wanted to 
Prove to you 
That I could be different 
Better and new 
That there is more to me 
Than my frustration and words
And I’d do everything I could 
To erase the hurt 
I really wanted to 
Give us a chance 
I promise I did 
But by happenstance 
I didn’t follow through 
And I left you here again 
I know you hate me now 
But I hope you understand 
That I really wanted to 
And although I didn’t 
Just know I never lied to you 
About wanting that commitment 
I really wanted to 
And I swear I was so close
But if you stick around maybe next time
I’ll give you some more false hope

What It’s Like

It’s like an awful movie
And everyone tells you 
That the ending sucks 

Still you go to the theater
And you sit through 
90 minutes of a predictable story

Where they don’t end up together
And it leaves you uneasy
Because movies aren’t supposed to be realistic 

It’s like a sad song 
And everyone tells you 
It will make you cry 

Still you listen and sing along 
Not because you like it but
Because the lyrics make sense

It’s like a tragedy you see 
On late night television 
When you should be asleep

And despite your efforts to
Close your eyes and forget 
You just can’t ignore 

And you’re uneasy
And you’re crying
And you’re bitter

Because you’re alone 
And it’s real
And the ending fucking sucks 

2/20 

As long as I can’t breathe
Think 
Or see clearly 
You are outside
Inside
And a part of me 
As long as I can’t have
A moment 
Alone
You are my safe place
My rescue
My home 
As long as I can’t wake
Without the image
Of you
I will forever be
Prisoner to those
Eyes, that look 
As long as I am breathing
I will be hoping
And believing 
As long as I live
I will lay here
And wait
Until the moment
You look at me 
And you say
I choose you
I can’t lose you
And you hold me
Like nothing is wrong
And we both wonder why
It took this long 

I Need

I want you to believe and to trust 
My words and how I touch
Your ears, how you say you love
I wish I did it more, or enough 
I want you to remember driveways and parking lots
Holding hands and our long talks 
Because through all the hurt the pain 
The anger and dismay
I can still see right through 
To the other side of you
The one I got to know 
The one I couldn’t let go
I want you to believe and to trust
My love for you and for us 
Every word spoken despite how hurtful
Brought me back through our full circle 
I felt every single thing a thousand times 
Still I fell back in love every night 
I want you to know and to feel 
Everything I did for you, was honest, selfless, and real 
I want you to know and understand 
That I tried my hardest, even though I failed
But most of all I need you to know and to see 
No one will ever love you this way, no one but me 

Still

Strength reasoning and rationality weren’t enough. It was something with a sort of resistance and defiance that made everything else seem so feeble. So unimportant. So fleeting. It was life and love and everything painful. The gut wrenching feeling that what you’re doing is wrong, but the uncontrollable fluttering heart you hold is pulling you from every side. Tearing your sensibility apart. There is no justification, no way to describe vindicate or explain the urge. The feelings. The desire. You were still in love. The sun rose so you could see who you were missing. Every night was a dark reminder of what can never be. The love you can’t offer. The emptiness that cannot be mended. So much love has been shared, and there is so much more. And no strength reasoning or rationality could explain why you’re still alone. After all this, you’re still alone. And you’re still in love. After all this, the pain frustration heartache disappointment anger and insanity, you’re still in love. And with cold sweats and a heavy heart you will wake up, and you’re still fighting the feeling, and you’re still hating yourself, because you’re still in love. 

Anytime 

It could be midnight
One in the afternoon, two, or three 
But you are there 
Every time, undoubtedly
I could be eating
Alone, or in the shower 
But the thought of your face is 
A constant reminder 
That what I feel
Is painful but true 
And I’ll never be ready
To give up on you
It could be morning
Or late afternoon
When I think of the end 
It is always too soon
A year could go by
Maybe five, maybe ten
But I’ll always feel this way
And I’d do it all again 

Back To May

Please don’t forget me
Remember me as the one
Who showed you what it’s like
To be carelessly in love
Go back to last Spring
When we both went out
To my favorite restaurant 
And we talked about
Ourselves and our pasts
You looked at my scars 
Wondering how 
I could do something like that 
We listened to music
And drank beers upstairs
I was nervous and stupid
But you didn’t care 
You grabbed my face 
You looked at me and said 
That you simply couldn’t get me 
Out of your your fucking head 
I didn’t believe you
Because I didn’t think
That soon enough I too
Would be feeling those things 
The stars were beautiful 
The air was perfect 
And despite all the pain since then 
That night was undoubtedly worth it 

I Shouldn’t Have

I shouldn’t have found you but I did
Somewhere amongst my own chaos and other things
I shouldn’t have pursued an impossible love
But my feelings gained control and I soon gave up
Gave up and gave in to the unattainable
The feelings I had were unexplainable 
Once I dove in I never resurfaced 
You gave me meaning, hope, and purpose
I shouldn’t have loved you so much and so hard 
But you gained full control of my heart 
I shouldn’t still love you the way that I do
And I pray that I won’t go crawling back to you

Nothing

Nothing helps
Music is painful
And silence is merely overbearing anxiety
My mind doesn’t quiet 
My heart doesn’t slow
Driving is obsessive and pathetic 
Always taking the long way home
Always looking for you somewhere 
Sleep is impossible 
It’s either next to nothing
Or I’m comatose
The exhaustion is overwhelming 
Simple tasks are anything but 
Every day is a different version
Of the same fucking thing
Nothing helps
Nothing makes an ounce of sense 
And I know not what I can
Or could possibly do
To fix myself 

11/15

I have so much
Yet only two hands 
It took me this long 
To finally understand 
I could wish the world
And try my best
To repair this all
To fix this mess
Yet this feeble beating
Pulsating heart
Is all I have to offer now
Together or apart 
I have love to give
Reserved for you only
But an impossibility 
Has deemed me forever lonely 
I could curse myself
I could stop believing
But now this aching
Simply feels like breathing 
I’m so used to these
Sad hands by now
Yet useless they remain 
Paralyzed somehow
I have so much to give
Yet nothing left
Because in exchange for this love
All that was kept
Were the things you made 
Me feel about myself
And you’ll get your wish now
I won’t share them with anyone else

Stuck in December 

Your stare is unbelievable
Your hands are so deceiving still
You tell me that you want me
Your face it truly haunts me
I tremble at your touch
After all of these months
That voice and those hands
They simply transcend
Everything I thought I knew
It’s redefined because of you
What you do to me
Please just let me be
That basket case you need
Let me love you inevitably
Let me touch you every second
This passion we couldn’t mention
The love we couldn’t make
Wrong circumstance and place
Put your hands on me please
Touch my body, and tease
Run your fingers through my hair
Place your hands anywhere
Hold me like you need me
Tell me that you see me
Differently from all the others
How you wish I was your only lover
I’m not selfish or cold hearted
But walking away and being apart is
More than I can do
I truly wish I could
Forget all this and move on
To be rational and strong
But I have failed each time
That I have tried
Perhaps it’s your turn
To say goodbye

So

Im going to catch up with some posts from these past few months.. I know I let you down, I’m terrible, but I’m back. Thanks for waiting

You Asked Me Why I Love You

I love you for the way you are
Your humor and your wit
I love you for the face you make
After every time we kiss
I love hearing your heart beat
When my head is on your chest 
I love being close enough 
To feel your every breath 
I love the way your hands feel
In my hair, on my face
I love your gentle touch 
One I could never replace 
I love the way you look at me
I love the way you smile 
I wish I could just stare at you
For hours and simply admire
I love your voice and how you talk
I love your honesty
I love when you get vulnerable
And you open up to me 
I love the way you chew gum
I love the pen in your right ear 
I love you so much there is pain
There is confusion, there is fear
I love the way you walk
I can always tell its you
From a thousand feet away
I just love the things you do 
I love the love you have 
For me and for your boys
I love how you are selfless
And want to make the right choice 
I love your passion and your pain 
I love when you hold my hand
Believe me when I say to you
No one could do what you can
I love your empathy and warmth
I love being around you
I love all your flaws and imperfections 
I don’t want to be without you
I love the way you smell
I love your brown eyes
Looking at them drives me crazy
I am fucking mesmerized 
I love the way you laugh 
When I say something funny 
I love when you get drunk
And your voice sounds all stuffy
I love getting to know you
I love your quirks and OCD
I’ll always match my socks for you
You won’t have to worry 
I love how you make me feel
Like a flustered little girl
I love when my heart stops and I swear
We’re the only ones left in the world
I love that you don’t give up
I love that you love me 
And I mean this with all my heart 
I will love you indefinitely