by Kristina

There was something about today. I knew from the moment I loved you that I’d never love anyone else this way. I knew it for a whole year, I knew it yesterday. But today was different.I’ve had hard days and nearly impossible days. Days where I called out of work and slept until the afternoon. Days where I drove around for hours to avoid going home. Days where I stood and looked out my window waiting for you for so long I watched it get dark outside. Days where I rushed home just so I would be there. Days where I looked for you. Days where my anxiety was so overbearing I didn’t even want to answer the door. It’s been hard, but there was just something about today. Something that made it real.

I woke up yesterday and all my anger dissipated. It turned to sadness and I felt like I hadn’t made any progress. I accepted my defeat and wanted to crawl into your arms. I wanted to bury myself in the sadness I felt. I have failed myself. And I failed you too. I’ve been ignoring what I’m feeling. I’m withdrawn from myself and detached from my emotions because anything is easier than trying to fix how I feel. Looking at myself, trying to make sense of this, it’s all I’ve been able to do. I woke up yesterday and felt defeat, but today was different, today you won.

Each moment was painful, sickening, I could feel all of it. Every final hug every last kiss every single goodbye – I relived them a thousand times. The realization that I lost a love. Lost hope. Lost a life we’d never have. Lost myself in a big way. I feel and mourn my losses as I lay here, and I think to myself the countless things I could’ve done differently. What I should or shouldn’t have said at different moments. When I should have held onto you tighter, loved you harder. It simply destroyed me today. 

Everyone says it’s going to be okay; everyone says I’m going to be alright. But nothing is assuring, none of it matters. I don’t know anything except for that itself. All I can do is feel. 

There was something about the way I missed you today. About how I continued our fake conversations in my head. How I thought of more why’s and how’s and what if’s – impractical, pathetic, and sad. There’s something about the way I can both love and hate you so much, for so many different reasons. I can feel it with such strength – I can feel my heart breaking apart. I can hear the pieces hit the ground.

There was something about the way the clock ticked louder and my bed felt bigger. I was cold. I was lonely. I was sad. I always knew I loved you differently. I knew that if this hurt it would hurt the worst, last the longest, and cut the deepest. I knew that some days would be hell. But nothing could’ve prepared me for the unwavering sadness I have found in my own eyes today, staring back at me. Nothing I did could’ve prevented this from happening. There was just something about today that makes it real, and it’s a day I never wanted to come.