Quarter Life Crisis

Kristina • 25 • MA, USA • This is my heart in words

I’m Still Alive 

I’m sorry for my absence! I’m working 7 days a week and the only time I write is late at night and it’s usually a mess and I have to edit it so once again, please bare with me!! I’ll post soon, xoxo

11/17

Don’t think for a minute

My future didn’t have you in it
I won’t try to justify 
Mistakes that I made and my lies
We’d never get past this, would we
Silly me thinking we could be
Something more, but I love you
And it hurts that you reject my truth 

Nothing

There’s nothing but tidal waves

Pulling me under 
A bittersweet notion 
Of pain uncovered
I’ll sink beneath
The oceans floor
Drowning in such a love
Impossible evermore
There’s nothing but rain 
And catastrophic damage
A love I can’t comprehend
Or manage
There’s nothing but the realization
That in the morning
6am is my only
Preparation, and fair warning
Brace yourself Kristina 
You know what is coming 
That disturbing reminisce 
Moments of sheer loving
There’s nothing but pain now
It has all fallen apart 
There’s nothing but hurt 
There’s nothing to mend this heart

I See You 

I see the things you write

I know who you hold at night
I fucking writhe with disgust
For not being enough
Do you think that I don’t know
How it feels to not let go
And you never even told her
You just said it was over
Did you ever say you loved me?
That you were still thinking of me
Whilst I’m crying in my bed
Calling my sister, a fucking mess
You think this is easy for me, don’t you?
You can’t understand what I’m going through
And I don’t blame you one bit 
You have something, and I’m the first to admit
That I knew how it’d end 
I knew your intention
Was never to hurt me
But now can you see?
Do you think that I don’t know
I’d follow you every place you go
If I knew you were alone
But you’re not, you’re at home 
You say I get to simply walk away free
Fuck you for ever thinking such a thing
Because I see the things you share
And I could drown someone with how much I care
I see the things you write
I read them, replay them in my mind
I told you nothing has ever changed
And despite this all, Id still do anything 

Drunk 

I drink to get drunk. I guess it’s always been that way

A loyal friend of mine who has always stayed
I drink to forget, although it never works
Sometimes it eases the pain at first
I drink to move on, and to feed myself lies
Always hoping it will help me make it through the night
My dad says to stop. He says it’s too much 
That it’s going to bite me in the ass, but I told him tough 
I drink to feel good and yes sometimes I do
But ignoring and repressing this pain isn’t good
I drink to get by. I think it’s the only thing I know
Countless therapy sessions and medication were not enough alone
I drink to get drunk. It’s my only remedy
And I know someday it will surely catch up, and this way of coping will kill me 

Waning, Waxing

The waning pulsating part of my heart
Is chilling and invisible, and falling apart
My hands, my body, my mind
Are looking for something I’ll never find

Reaching out for something
Holding onto nothing
The waxing deepening painful regret
Interfering with lives I will never forget

All these things to you
Are but words that will never get through
To your heart, to your head
You’ll never think I meant

Any of this – what else can I do
But to walk away, and leave you
I want to be there, I don’t want to leave
And this reality is slowly killing me

Impossible

The sky is still blue
But all is changing
My mangled heart
Is painfully disdaining
I’m working at it
That self control
I lost somewhere
I must have sold
It to the devil
I must have given myself
I must have replaced it
And became someone else
The night is still dark
The air suffocates
There is no breath to spare
No beauty to relate
I’m working on
Letting go of things
Becoming a person
Who sees clearly
Impossible it seems
To wake up and think
Today will be better
Today my heart will not sink
Impossible it seems
To fall asleep and believe
Tomorrow will be better
Tomorrow this feeling will leave

Everything Is Okay

Why does everything have to be so pretty and so profound? Not everything is a miracle, a blessing, important, or even that fucking interesting. Some things are just the way they are, and that’s okay. There is no need to sugar coat an ugly truth; just let it be. Things hurt, and some moments are so dull it is painful. Sometimes life is at such a bitter standstill that you find yourself sitting in your car without the radio on, because anything you hear pisses you off. Sometimes the sun is way too bright and it pierces through the only ounce of protection you had prepared. The day feels like an empty passageway to the night which will at times feel unbearable. The cold stings and you envy the stars because you know they are lightyears away. Why does everything have to be so perfect and deceiving? No one is living without regret, disappointment, or some sort of sorrow. Sometimes the pain is entirely consuming and you feel like you’re suffocating. Some days are just the way they are, and that’s okay. You hit every red light, you don’t have money for the toll, you’re running late, you forget to pay your bills. Some nights are bullshit – you can’t sleep, you have to wake up in 4 hours and you’re almost certain you’re going to sleep through your alarm. But that’s okay. It’s not pretty or profound. It’s not a miracle, a blessing, important, or interesting. It’s not meaningful, or life changing, or helpful. It just is, you just are, and this will surely continue. But that’s okay, it’s all okay, as are you. I promise, you are okay.

October

My hands are useless
Particles of dust
That drift away

My body collapses
Like sand; it recedes,
And dissipates

Words so quickly
Kill me
With ease

Yet the lack of them
Is a worse type
Of misery

I am helpless at night
Sometimes at 3am
I wake up for water

And can’t help
Thinking of who has
It harder

Who hurts the most
And who can’t sleep
Who can’t understand how

It’s over and it’s done
That everything I feared
Is happening now

I’ll walk on by with
Trembling hands and
Weak buckling knees

I won’t ever say goodbye
Because those words
Will fucking ruin me

Forever 

You say this could never happen again

Still Im desperately trying to fight the end 
And you’ll never believe me
I just want to think you need me 
I’m awake until the sun comes up
Trying to bury this ever consuming love
I’m as sick as I was 
Last year, this is enough 
To drive me insane
I fucking need this pain
I once heard something that said
Id rather argue with you, than kiss anyone else
And I swear it was written for me
I swear that is what I’m feeling 
I drove by your house, I read your messages
I’m torturing myself, I can’t let go of this 
Please don’t tell me to put this behind
Because you have no idea how hard I’ve tried
I’ve never felt such heartbreak before
Despite the love I’ve shared evermore
This is something all by itself
I could never feel this with someone else
I hope and pray you think of me
At morning, at midnight, and you repeat
The days we spent, the nights we had
We fought a lot, but I wouldn’t take it back
I miss that fucking face you made
When you thought you knew we couldn’t change
What was happening, where we could be
You never quite believed in me
But I wanted this, and I still do
And it tears me apart to be away from you
I’d sacrifice whatever it is I have 
To start all over, to go all the way back
That first fucking kiss, that first moment 
When I told myself I’d end up broken 
I knew it from the moment you said
You couldn’t get me out of your head
I knew it from the moment you looked at me
With that face of uncertainty 
I was never yours, I could never expect
To be with you the way that I said
I convinced myself of something impossible
But my desires and feelings were unstoppable 
I once heard something that said
I’d rather argue with you, than kiss anyone else 
I’m here now, and you’re away
I’ve never quite felt this pain 
I once heard someone cry
Without your love, I could die 
That someone was me, and so sad it is
To know that I will always feel like this

Driving

Screen Shot 2015-09-29 at 9.36.57 PMI can’t sleep right
Think straight, or drive
Between the lines

How incredibly generic
To so soon lose
My sanity, my mind

I’ve lost control
Of all motor skills
And reason

I find humor in
My struggle, my pain
How convenient

Naivety stripped me
Of my pride
Of my dignity

It made me prisoner
To a constant state
Of vulnerability

I can’t get in my car
Without these sad
Hysterical tears

Because never holding you again
Is one of my deepest
Most devastating fears

The irony is that so much has been going on and I’m hardly writing at all. I’ll try to keep up, wait for me 

Time Traveler

Screen Shot 2015-06-02 at 10.23.26 PMKiss this fluttering, uncovering vulnerability
A moment so fleeting and the impossibility
Of pieces mended, love relented as such
An intoxicating, never-ending gentle touch
Reach for this forbidden and hidden place
Eyes locked and fingers laced
Kiss this breaking heart of mine
Pause this pain; go back in time

Worthless

What is worth discussing
At this point is nothing
And I deal with the scrutiny
The hurtful words, that ruin me
I knew this and you knew this
And we knew we couldn’t work through it
Still we tried with pain on our shoulders
As the embers of our love grew colder
Will we ever speak again?
Even if just as friends
God I hope not, I pray we stay
As far away, as we can maintain
And now I must defend my name
As a girl who doesn’t inflict harm or pain
As someone who doesn’t pursue with intent
To hurt or destroy, to break, or to end
What is worth discussing
At this point is nothing
Disgust and pain do not relent
And I hope to never feel this again

To Want

I only wanted one thing

The reciprocation of a love missing
I wanted to fly and cry and fuck
The driver’s seat of your truck
Soar above the earth and others 
Midnight’s painful truth uncovered 
I wanted to bleed red, feel human to you
Share my insecurities that no one knew
Drive to nowhere and pull to the side
Of a desolate road, where we could hide
Secrecy, discretion, and love forbidden
My weakness I showed, and sins I admitted 
The ever changing way of the world
The flag of my heart naked and unfurled 
To the winds of my desire 
The last ember of our fire 
We put it out, still it raged within 
I may be wrong and unforgiven 
Yet sorry I can never be 
For the feelings which you gave to me
I only wanted to share myself
I withheld this love from all else
Waiting until I found the one
To make the knots of my heart come undone
I wanted to feel and love and hold you for
A minute, an hour, or forevermore 
With no ill intention, I dove into 
The sea of which I never meant to
A casual encounter, an innocent stare 
Shattered the pieces I cannot repair 
I only wanted one thing
To feel you as the trees do the wind
To know it wasn’t for nothing 
And yet I’m stuck here loving 
The idea of what could never have been
Waiting for my heart to mend
You were a catalyst for change and for truth
And I’ll never love another the way I loved you

Murder

Speak to me 

With your blade of tongue
Cut my throat
With your weapon of love
Abandon me
Leave me alone 
Bid me goodbye
Walk yourself home
Close the door
Shut it on me
Break my face
With your sweet lies
Burn my wrist
With your cigarette
Leave scars I can’t
Soon forget 
Rip out my heart
With your bare hands
Handle it carefully 
Bury it beneath the sand
Yell to me
In the midnight air
Call out for me 
As if I weren’t there 
Shoot me with
Your love of a gun
Stop this pain
And kill me for once 

How It Ends

It’s gonna hurt like hell

I can already tell
To read back on those things
To lay here wishing
It could’ve been different 
We’re both gonna miss it
The nights shared
Both unruly and unfair
But that’s life and love
A feeling we must give up
Must move on and forget
The first moment we met
Otherwise we’re broken
From thoughts left unspoken
I told you everything
This wasn’t for nothing
You took with you a part of me
And set yourself out to sea
And sailed away with my love
Something I’d never dreamed of
I took with me a part of you
Like the sky, the stars and the moon
I’ll never let go of what I hold
Part of your heart, and part of your soul
This is the end
We cannot pretend
That this love can mend
Or we can be friends
It’s gonna hurt like hell
I can already tell
But it’s all for the best
And in time, our love shall rest 

Your Love

You say you’re sorry, oh so sorry

I’d be a fool not to believe you
I say I want you, oh I want you
But I don’t, instead I need you
You say your hurting, yes it’s painful
So I marked it with a pen
The day you ended it, wanted it
Then ended it again
I say I’m broken, my heart mangled 
I try to keep to myself
But midnight comes as does your name
I can think of no one else
You say you’re scared, and I know so
I’d never make you change 
Yet I wish I had the power
To stop time and rearrange 
I think I’m loving, much too loving
And you came at the wrong time
I think you were vulnerable and confused
Your heart must have been tired
You say you meant it, you wanted it once
And I hope that it’s the truth
Otherwise this time spent was nothing
But a waste, for me, and for you
I think I felt too much, much too much
And it’s hurting don’t you see
The mere thought of you loving anyone
Anyone but me 
It drives me insane, it kills me
The love you give I envy 
But if it ends today I’ll forgive you
And I’ll try to let go gently  

Dessert

You speak
God it brings chills
Every word hurts
It stings, it kills

You can’t have your cake
And eat it too
But you can have me
If I can have you

You look and I wonder
What it is you see
If I’m real to you
Or illusionary

You touch my hand
I radiate with desire
That electrifying spark
That sets me on fire

You move and I want nothing
But for you to move
So close it hurts
It hurts to choose

You distance your desire
Your pain and yourself
I want to rip apart your soul
Reveal someone else

I speak
And wonder if you listen
If so, do you hear
The love that I’m missing

The promise in my words
The emotion in my voice
The extremity of my love
Or is this just noise?

The infinite hush of
Despair and honesty
That pulsates without relent
A torture so promising

You can’t have your cake
And eat it too
But you can have me
If I can have you

I Would But I Won’t 

I’d move mountains for your touch
I’d walk the earth for your love
I only have so much to give
It might not be enough

I’d open the door
I’d stop time for a minute
If you’d admit your future
Has me in it

I’d turn the world from
Black and white
To a vibrant color
Just give me time

I’d find the answers
I’d find the truth
But I can’t promise
It will comfort you

I’d search the ocean
I’d drown for you
But I don’t need saving
I don’t need rescue

I’d hold your hand
Until my fingers turn blue
But I won’t lose myself
Just because I love you

You, Me, and Her

The choice must be beautiful
The ability to decide
Must be relieving
And ease your cluttered mind

You must love the time spent
Two is better than one
Why make a decision
Otherwise it’s no fun

I could barely imagine
Choosing between
The one I promised
And the one who seems

To fill that spot
I never shared
Empty somehow but full
With someone who cares

Enough to keep trying
To repair the eradication
Of a commitment
Lost once and again

Your heart must be flowing
With two souls defined
One forever and the next for sure
How could you find the time

To share your love
Here and over there
Who is the one
You think truly cares

It must be a burden
To look at her now
Then look at me
Yet so unsure somehow

The choice must be beautiful
To hold all the power
To have love available
At any and every hour

But think of the ones
You touch and turn to
How this affects
The way they see you

Please

Don’t stop
That evanescent kiss
That sweet and short
Moment of bliss

Don’t stop
Touching me
Trace the contours
Of my whole body

Don’t stop
The way you gaze
That face you make
When you look at my face

Don’t stop
Making me cry
Making me smile
Helping me try

Don’t stop
How you make me feel
And shake at the sight
Of your face, how it heals

Don’t stop
Thinking of me
Craving my love
Indefinitely

Don’t stop
Awaking my soul
Just hold me tonight
And never let go

Ret. Home (2012)

“…But people like me are driven by our emotions, the feelings that haunt us at night and throughout the day. Our anxiety, our fears, our inherently negative perception of ourselves, and our lives. People like me cannot return home and work things out. People like me cannot wake up and feel better. People like me live one minute at a time, praying to the small amount of strength within in us that either we live until tomorrow in one piece, or that we die in our sleep before we wake.”

Solitary

We always want
That which we
Can’t understand

One moment turns
A mere problem
At hand

Into something
Undeniably unattainable
And true

We will always try
To defy
And push through

We always want
That moment which
It hurts to breathe

We will always try
To move on and sleep
Comfortably

But maybe we
Were born to live
Silent and alone

Maybe the thought
Of feeling complete
Is ridiculous, lost
And unknown

To Burn 

I’m like a rose that needs to be planted
Amongst your garden of enchantment
Every moment that we are alone
I yearn for to you pick me up, take me home

Could we be what it is we want
Truthful and limitless, so raw it haunts
I’m honest and hungry and you are it
The person whose essence makes me admit

That I am not pretty; I am not perfect
But perhaps my faults to you seem worth it
I hope when I’m with you that you feel whole
No dishonesty, no fear, no fucking control

I’d like to see every part of you
Undress you like the night does the moon
And reveals its every color, every single flaw
You leave me breathless, adored, and in awe

Can we continue this madness, this engulfing flame
Or we will walk on, burn out, and dissipate
Could we become that impossibility we speak
Or are the tides too rough, these feelings too weak

The End

Is it so wrong of me
Touch my soul indefinitely
Break my walls, heal my wounds
Forbidden interest ends so soon

Is it irony, or something else
Are we lying to ourselves
Do we wish for something more
Sneaking through the back door

Was a glimpse enough to take
Every single breath away
Was a brush of fingers enough for you
To feel my essence entirely through

Did your heart beat, did your mind race
Did I send you to another place
Was the moment more than just
A casual encounter, a feeling of lust

A glimpse so fleeting, a touch so soft
The world and time and innocence stopped
But I know the way it ends, so soon
You broke the wall, you opened the wound

Nothing

There was nothing
But it was everything
A glimpse
A moment
A touch of tongue

A sentence
Where words
Came untrue and undone

Regret, misfortune
A response so slim
She wondered how
She could ever love him

There was nothing
But it would suffice
She dived into dirt
Because it felt right

A smile
A look
The lacing of hands

A moment so wrong
It would ruin
Her chance

There was nothing
But still it lingered
She made circles with her
Untouched fingers

Quiet and alone
Thoughts left unsaid
There was time left
On the table
In the bed

A glass was more
Than a catalyst
For lust

But to open this
Cavity
A misunderstanding
And accidental trust

There was nothing
It had to end
But the nothing hurt
And it will hurt again

Self

tumblr_mw4pwlulUz1qczwklo1_540

The Self — the ever changing waxing and waning of my heart, destroy and rebuild, eradicate and restore. The starless night sky in my eyes, cold and dark, open and endless. The unwavering confusion in my step, right left, left right. The music of my mind: tonal variations and long pauses, lapses, and brief periods of silence; static and white noise, muffled radio frequencies, followed by an unrelenting drone. My trembling lips hush and tighten with nervousness and fear, the anxious toll of living, of being, of accepting and understanding the Self. Cries, laughter, screams, and whispers flow through me, I hear everything, it stills me. My breath is sporadic, slow and heavy, fast and panicked; it goes without consistence, without reason, without regard. I can taste the desperation, the emptiness, the anguish. The fleeting remains of my fragile soul, the pieces that hold me together — they weave in and out of me with reckless abandon; some get lost, some are sucked into the endless vacuum of the inner Self, some wander with the intent to return, some are never found again. The lackluster entity that is my body; the abyss that is my mind. Between them a simple correspondence agrees to forgo lightness, to shadow the Self. Sequestered from the beauty of the world lest I be discovered as such — a fearful mind body parallel hiding from the sun.

Our Time

I think it was the way
It didn’t work
I think it was the way
Your hands hurt

I think it was the hour
The time of day
When the sun set
Came my dismay

I think it was the pain
That consumed
My breath and bones
My love for you

I think it was your love
That I had to attack
I think it was the moments
That kept us intact

I think it was a mess
The way I cried
At night
The way you died
At my sight

I think it was tragic
At the end
Our final kiss
As more than friends

I think it hurt
To say goodbye
To watch good things
Soar and take flight

I think it still does
But I think it’s good
Because I want for you
Things I never could

I think I need you
To find someone
To give you everything
Their time, their love

I think I will smile
When you marry her
Because I once had the pleasure
Of being your girl

I think I can say
That what we had
Was something we needed
Both the good, and the bad

I think your love
Is engraved in me
And we will never forget
Those memories

Last Wish

Did you not understand
Or did you not care
Was the time spent
Too much to bare

Did the nights fall
Hazy and tranquil
Did my final absence
Make you thankful

Were the words you spoke
As true as you claimed
Did you retract them
As soon as you came

Did my face remind you
Of junk habits
The only girl
Who wouldn’t have it

Was I too frank with
My realness and truth
Were you looking for someone
To conform on cue

Do you hold any remorse
For the pain you caused
Or do you remember,
Laugh, and walk off

Do you understand now
I will devour you
I will eat you alive
If it’s the last fucking thing I do