Sad Song

I read back on the things

I wrote as a girl

I resonated with them

A once tortured soul

Like a song I used to sing

In an empty stairwell

Or by the seaside

While my salty tears fell

My childish voice haunts

It penetrates my ears

For whom the song sung

And the melody I hear

Was spoken to and for

The soul in which is held

Prisoner and filled with pain

Two lives now parallel

Remembering the moment

I became completely numb

How all the progress I had made

Has somehow come undone

The irony is never lost

Upon this troubled soul

That despite the years I learned to live

Still I’ve lost control

Wednesday 2/20/2013

Four days before my 18th birthday:

Today is not appealing as all others are usually not. However, in comparison today is even less appealing. 

I am home for my lunch break, I got 2.5 hours of sleep last night, I am tired, I am irritable and I am stressing over the same old bullshit. I smoked a cigarette in the normal parking lot that I go to during lunch. It is 50 degrees today, even though it’s still February. New England weather is unpredictable but I like the breaks here and there from the freezing bullshit. The sun is out and I sat on the back of my car and closed my eyes and felt each ray hit my chest, my eyelids, they warmed my sweaters and my eyes turned orange. I opened them and everything was a tint of blue. That’s a summer kind of feeling. I like that.

My therapist told me that breathing deeply outside and capturing the fresh air releases endorphins that make you happy. So I did. I try quite often to center my mind, to control the thoughts, just relax, stop the constant obsessive thinking and just enjoy the winter air and the warm sun and my menthol cigarette. I halfway relaxed, I was trying too hard, I am too fed up today, rapid thinking, chaotic thoughts. Maybe another time.

I’m not interested in returning to school but I have to and I will because there is nothing else for me to do I have 6 dollars in my wallet and I am running less than an 1/8th of a tank of gas.

The thing is, in the morning it’s not that I don’t want to wake up the way everyone else doesn’t want to wake up. I’m still tired, yes, don’t want to go to school, given, dying to sleep in and say fuck today, sure, everyone gets like this, for a few minutes, then you get up shower and do what you do. When I wake up I am tired from lack of sleep and I am tired mentally. I do not want to endure another day and go through the chain of persistent negative emotions and deal with the constant aspects of my life that are not changing and will not be changing for a while. I do not like them I do not want them they are not welcome. Sleep is not to refresh me it is not to energize my body or relax my mind it is to get the fuck away. I dream of bad things sometimes and other times I dream of great things. Happy places pretty people and doing fun things not relating to my real life in any way. My mind knows exactly where I want to be and every chance I get it takes me there. My mind is my enemy and my mind is my friend. It hates me during the day but at unconsciousness it’s willing to cut me a break, tease me, let me like myself. I go off into the sunset, I ride rapid waves of ocean water, I glide across the earth. 

I have a lot of things that need to be done and thinking of them is a painful reminder of how unmotivated and lacking I am currently. I need a syringe with something in it: ambition, desire, comfortability, harmony. Or just one that will kill me. 

Letter to God

How do I correct my behavior?
How do I change who I am? How do I become a better person, in God’s eyes?
Swimming upstream in a river of my own destruction, yet I ask for a raft.
I was given the tools to create such a place. I was forewarned, caution signs at every turn. Nevertheless and not heeding the wreckage – I am thrown into a palace of bad karma and negligence. With nary a reaction; for I already knew. I built it myself, I sit on the throne.
I see an ant, I can’t kill it. Its intentions are more pure than mine.
When will my sweet soul find truthful direction? When will I hop off this train of which I’m the conductor? I am sorry. I must be forgiven. Take the wheel so to speak, I am yearning for relief.

New

I say to you,
God doesn’t make mistakes
But I’m talking not about my life
I am talking about us
A brief encounter
Two souls colliding
As intimate as we allow
Your heart dances with mine
At long last
I can hear the music again
I say to you,
Do new things
A simple reminder
We are only as old as we feel
I can only hope
Each moment together
Ignites in you what it has for me
And we can continue to burn
I say to you,
God doesn’t make mistakes
For His divine intention
Your mere existence
Is nothing short
Of a miracle
A beacon of hope
You have purpose beyond
And how lucky I am
To have experienced it

Day of Reckoning

I was born a long time ago
I’d bet you did not know
You don’t have to be grown or old
To have a chameleon soul

They called it the golden age
Even the good old days
But they weren’t so good to me
I had pain stricken tragedy

I was born sometime back when
We were ruled by lesser men
Then when I was born again
Different face not circumstance

So still I say
Not much has changed
When is the day
That we’ll be saved?

Oh, the reckoning
The end of you and me
Rebirth of humanity
As far as the eye can see
Oh, new beginning
Set the broken free
Sweet redemption
Please protect them
From the reckoning

I was told a long time ago
To think fast because life ain’t slow
You blink once and before you know
You’re halfway across the tight rope

And all the sudden you’re holding on
Trying with all you’ve got
To get there and back safe and sound
Feel your feet on solid ground

I was born sometime back when
You had more enemies than friends
Then when I was born again
I saw them all there holding hands

But still I say
Not much has changed
When is the day
We’ll all be the same?

Oh, the reckoning
The end of you and me
Rebirth of humanity
As far as the eye can see
Oh, new beginning
Set the broken free
Sweet redemption
Please protect them
From the reckoning

I think in time we’ll
Find some divine real
Meaning of this
Pursuit of happiness
I think we’re meant to
Find a brand new
Way to do this
Where we can all exist

Oh, the reckoning
The end of you and me
Rebirth of humanity
As far as the eye can see
Oh, new beginning
Set the broken free
Sweet redemptive soul
Please carry us home
After the reckoning

How

How can I feel
Time is limited
When it’s infinite

How can I feel
Your gentle touch
When I’m here
And you’re there

How can I be
Happy and sad
Horny and lonely
Together yet totally dismantled

How can things be
Both wonderful and terrible
Secure and uncertain
Perfect but devastating

How can I feel
So strongly for someone
When I am so unsure of myself
How is it possible

July

I am happy
I am horny
I am hungry
I have a starvation for life
Friendship, love, and lust
I have yet to ever encounter

I am fulfilled
I am warm
I am close to God
I hold a sense of purpose
Deep and meaningful
I have yet to feel in this life

I am trying
I am pushing
I am honest
I embrace my bad days
They carry my soul to awakening
A place I have never been

I am youthful
I am humble
I am learning
I am uncovering parts of myself
As if that of a puzzle
I never knew existed

I am happy
I am sad
I am human
I cry tears of gratitude like never before
And perhaps never again
Unrelenting, unashamed, unapologetic
At long last, I am me

Maybe

Sleeping without you
Feels like waiting
For the tides to change
The sun to explode
The earth to stop spinning
Maybe

The sound of your voice
Is a simple reminder
That sometimes happiness
Is not only felt
But heard

Time itself
Has lost all meaning
For each moment with you
I am both frozen and floating
Warm and weightless
It seems impossible
Maybe

In your arms
I feel at home
No longer a transient soul
Wandering the earth
Searching for the feeling
You provide

Your passionate touch
Your tender kiss
Are both a weapon and armor alike
They could destroy me
They could save me
They could do both
Maybe

April

How can I begin to describe

The ocean

Of emotion

The toll

Of my soul

To feel each and every person

To see them in a way

I cannot describe

I cannot explain

 

Tell me I’m not alone in

These feelings

This needing

Of love

Of a touch

So gentle yet so profound

It engulfs me as such

A mere leech

Yearning to latch

Attach

And bleed you dry

 

I do not have ill intent

I swear my love is innocent

And I yearn

For reciprocation

The anticipation

To see in the eyes

Of another

The eyes of my lover

A hunger so loud

A passion so proud

I can find some relief

After years of heartache, denial, grief

Lover

I have always loved harder than words permit

Since I was a little girl, I have felt like this

I was strong in situations beyond my own ability

But with matters of the heart, came endless fragility

Is it my ever increasing desire to know

To connect and repair others

Do I believe my soul is the only source

Of recourse in which they can recover

I have always felt deeper than the oceans span

I have been called crazy for this, maybe I am

Maybe the world needs a little crazy like me

Someone to offer the unexplained

The indescribable flux of black and white

Up and down, utter bliss and extreme pain

For how boring would life really be

Without chaos, without magic, without wonder

I have always known and felt these things

For I have always been a lover

New

I wanna stay up late

Watch you get to know yourself

Show you what it is like to be loved

Unlike anything or anyone else

I wanna be honest and open

Vulnerable and raw

Share a dream, a fear, a hope

Anything at all

I want to give you passion

That your entire body feels

So good you are beside yourself

Questioning if it’s real

I wanna spend the extra

Five minutes in the morning

Tracing your face with my fingers

While you lay there snoring

I want you to need me

Without losing yourself

Come to me in times of pain

And I’ll be there to help

I want to offer relief

So soft, so sweet

I want your misery to subside

The moment our lips meet

Thank You

I have fleeting bouts of romance
They are as intimate as I allow
I’m not searching for fulfillment
Still I treat them as such

I fall in love with everyone I meet
They are all so special to me
My soul is too big to be confined
To one mere bodily vessel
One earthly realm
One fluttering heart

I distribute myself accordingly
I am in constant adoration
Of every moment shared
Each meaningful encounter

It matters not if we spend an hour
Or the better half of a year
I am forever touched by every smile
Every story, every exchange

Even if my imprint is far less profound
I am humbled to be a part
Of anyone’s life, romantic or not
If only for but a minute

Radioactive

I had not one ounce of remorse
For the way I looked into your
Deep, dark, alluring ocean
Of an optic soul;
My bodily attraction to your
Every mechanical breath
Function and movement
Was electric
Unwavering
And sinful

I had but a trace of guilt
For the way your hand
In a fortunate twist of fate and accident
Brushed against mine;
The thoughts that soon followed
Would turn a holy man
A shade of red
Never before seen

I had little fear of what
Anyone else thought
In regards to my darkest and most
Ill intended discretion
For the cautiously planned
Synchronized hours of togetherness
That were
Without doubt
Unruly

I could not force myself
To feel shame or sadness
For the innocent life
Being deceived
When your intoxicating tongue
Spoke circles around me
And opened the flood gates
Of my anatomic desire
Indefinitely

Desire

I want to see inside of you
I want to see you cry
I want to undress your very essence
At least I want to try 
I want to hold your sorrow 
Within my own two hands 
I want to feel it run through my fingers 
Your despair a pile of sand
I want to look into your mind
To unlock your memories 
I want to replay and relive them as my own 
As if you were a part of me
I want to see the world through your eyes
As to further comprehend you
I want to read the book of your life 
I want to break and bend you
I want to be inside your dreams 
To see what occupies your mind
I want to analyze every breath 
Every scream, every sigh
I want to share each regret 
Every heartbreak and the mend 
The time you spent, the toll it took 
Where, why, and when
I want to see inside your heart 
The pieces that make it whole 
To feel the beat, to hear the sound 
I want to caress your magnetic soul

Finding Light

I let go of fear. The fear of dying, losing, never succeeding. I replaced it with a willingness to embrace my failures. Nothing is permanent. Everyone is fighting a battle against them self – an internal war. I learned to fight in a different way. To manipulate my own self hatred and disapproval into a way to push myself further towards the light. Fear is darkness. It can envelop you. I learned to open my eyes. I stared fear in the face, I saw myself, I yelled and fought back and found the other side. Some feelings are so profound, so otherworldly that we forget they are of our own creation. We can be prisoners to these feelings, or we can utilize them. You can transform anything in your mind to alter your life, change your path, nurture the self. You are in control. But you need to let go.

Boring

I smile at everything
I talk to strangers
Nothing bores me

I work, I sleep
I cook dinner
I am fulfilled

I do not require much
I have less than some
More than most

My internal clock ticks
I am older
Though I am still young

I am in awe
At the beauty of the world
Sunrise, sunset

I am in disbelief
At the current state
Of my mental health

I am in constant gratitude
For each breath, each moment
For they are always new

I will smile at anything
I will talk to anyone
Nothing will ever bore me

New/Same

I have smelled you three times in the past month. My mind is busy, my feelings occupied. I am dating, dieting, working a new job, spending time with family, cooking, and going out with friends. I’m flourishing. I’ve lost 15 lbs and cut my hair and I’m down to drinking only 1-2 nights a week. My mood is generally positive; my demeanor mimics my attitude – honest but unpredictable. I have gained a new sense of confidence, I feel as if I’m learning more about myself every night. Things feel right, like they are falling into place. I wake up each morning a little more established.

I have repressed my feelings of sadness disbelief pain and anger. I have buried them in the back of my mind, the back of my heart, they’re in the closet of my life. I don’t always ignore them, but I seldom let them surface. It’s funny – how strongly you can feel, only to have that feeling transform into something else in just a few short months. It’s as though time is a catalyst for forgiveness, for questioning, for longing. I find myself driving in silence and replaying very specific conversations from 2-3-4 years ago. They sound different now. I dissect them, I over analyze each word, I allow my mind to wander light years away to avoid the pain staking conclusion I have made: you loved me and perhaps I was wrong. I cannot handle it; I turn on the music.

It’s like a game of tennis inside my head. A special memory comes to me and is instantly combated by a terrible one. Every kiss accompanied with an argument. Every hello a goodbye. Every smile with a stinging, salty tear. I play myself. I lose each time.

I cried for the very first time in months. Like I said, I’ve been occupied. It wasn’t long, it wasn’t a mental breakdown, it was nothing like it used to be. But it was honest. It was real. It was for you. I tried to talk to you as if you were here. Explain why I said the things I said, why I believed those things I heard. But I just ended up crying harder. There aren’t really words anymore. It’s just a long messy history of love and hate, deception and an entirely unattainable set of truths. I have no idea what my brain believes. But I know my heart. I know the unrelenting feeling in my stomach when I hear your name. When I pass your house. When I close my eyes. I know the flutter when I think a message might be from you. I know the sadness that soon follows after. I know the emptiness I feel since you have gone, despite the newfound happiness I have created. I know of the hold you have on my heart.

I have smelled you three times in the past month and seen you once. Each moment, albeit a set of mere hallucinations, was a brief but powerful reminder of the small yet everlasting space within my soul you will occupy indefinitely. If I want you there or not, the memory of your love persists within me evermore. And no distraction is a remedy for that. I continue to repress.

Criminal

When did you decide
It was okay
To play with emotions
To conquer a soul
For fun

When did you resign
To be a thief
An emotional criminal
To execute your plan
On me

When did it seem enough
When you knew you had me
When my tears went dry
Or when you saw
Another victim

When did my feelings
No longer matter
When you had full control
When you fell bored
Or when you decided
Two is better than one

35

Thirty two
That was back when I first met you
Every little thing you did 
Was impeccable and I loved it 
Each moment of sheer bliss 
With you, I wanted to share my life with 
 
Thirty three 
There was so much more to see 
All the plans that we had made 
The life that we’d soon make 
The time that it would take 
Was worth the wait, so I would say 

Thirty three 
All I heard was “I’m sorry” 
But I was so tired of words
They meant nothing and they hurt 
You would promise me the world
And said that I would be your girl 

Thirty four 
How many times I closed the door
Only to let you right back in 
Just to have you hurt me again 
I would have never changed a thing 
Patiently waiting for something 

Almost thirty five 
I can’t believe I’m still alive 
After everything you put me through 
Only to say you cannot do 
All the things you said you would
It’s my fault for thinking you could

Thirty five 
2 years wasted of my life
But I promise you this time 
I won’t be here to say goodbye 
I have no hope left to try
You have hurt me the last time

I will never see your thirty sixth
Never give you a birthday gift 
No card no love no birthday kiss 
And the only thing that I will miss 
Is the time I spent holding onto this 

And when you soon reach forty 
And life and love seems boring 
I hope you look for me somewhere
Discover I’m no longer there
And witness the life that I will share
With someone who deserves it, someone who loves me, someone who cares 

Maine

Do you have a place where the memory of a perfect day is almost completely encompassed within? A gas station, a restaurant, a beach, a parking lot. The memory is so vivid, so intense, so beautiful, that it is painful. Something simple takes you back and it’s effortless. You can remember the weather, laughter, certain smells, the song that was playing on the radio. How the moments of that day were filled with an unwavering perfection, so special yet so fleeting. And just like that, it was over. Precious hours spent were gone without warning – with naught but a crappy photograph and your own memory to prove they ever existed.   

Mornings

Sometimes I wake up 
And I panic 
Because there isn’t enough time
In the morning 
To think of you 
Before another day must begin 
So I try to think of everything at once 
But I can’t 
Instead I replay every memory
Slowly and intensely 
Reliving each moment 
Remembering with detail 
Every last kiss 
Every passionate fight
Every painful goodbye 

Love Is

Is love 
Desperation
Tears, being afraid
Never knowing 
What to expect
Regret sorrow
And disappointment 
Is love 
The midnight arguments 
Or a passionate embrace
In the middle of a parking lot
At 2pm 
Is love that feeling
When you want to die
Because you can’t imagine
Living with or without 
This feeling 
For a moment longer 
Is love 
Vulnerability 
Overwhelming but sacred
The feeling that 
If tomorrow 
I cannot have you 
Nothing is worth it 
Is love 
The night
When you look at me 
And want this entirely 
Or is it 
The morning 
When you change your mind 

4/17

Part of me sees a life
In which you don’t exist 
I move on and grow up
And forget all of this 
I have a family a dog and a house 
Because somehow I learned to live without 
Without our hope, without our desire
Without the very feeling that sets us on fire
Without our future and without our love
Without everything we dreamed of 
Part of me sees an endless void
Which I fall into without choice
I’m alone there and I’m sad
I’m nostalgic, full of pain, and mad
At everything that never was 
I’m mad at you, I’m mad at us 
For not trying harder
For not going farther 
For bidding goodbye to the only thing
That some say makes life worth living 
Part of me sees a life 
In which you don’t exist 
And in that world I am empty 
Full of regret, and hopeless 

You Say

I really wanted to
I really wanted to, you say 
But no matter how hard I tried
I just couldn’t stay
More than an hour 
Or two, maybe a night 
Because upon awakening 
I had made up my mind
I really wanted to 
Try and make it work 
Start something with you 
After all we’ve endured 
It could be real and special 
Open and endless 
Yet I let you remain as
Naught but a temptress 
I really wanted to 
Prove to you 
That I could be different 
Better and new 
That there is more to me 
Than my frustration and words
And I’d do everything I could 
To erase the hurt 
I really wanted to 
Give us a chance 
I promise I did 
But by happenstance 
I didn’t follow through 
And I left you here again 
I know you hate me now 
But I hope you understand 
That I really wanted to 
And although I didn’t 
Just know I never lied to you 
About wanting that commitment 
I really wanted to 
And I swear I was so close
But if you stick around maybe next time
I’ll give you some more false hope

What It’s Like

It’s like an awful movie
And everyone tells you 
That the ending sucks 

Still you go to the theater
And you sit through 
90 minutes of a predictable story

Where they don’t end up together
And it leaves you uneasy
Because movies aren’t supposed to be realistic 

It’s like a sad song 
And everyone tells you 
It will make you cry 

Still you listen and sing along 
Not because you like it but
Because the lyrics make sense

It’s like a tragedy you see 
On late night television 
When you should be asleep

And despite your efforts to
Close your eyes and forget 
You just can’t ignore 

And you’re uneasy
And you’re crying
And you’re bitter

Because you’re alone 
And it’s real
And the ending fucking sucks 

2/20

As long as I can’t breathe
Think 
Or see clearly 
You are outside
Inside
And a part of me 
As long as I can’t have
A moment 
Alone
You are my safe place
My rescue
My home 
As long as I can’t wake
Without the image
Of you
I will forever be
Prisoner to those
Eyes, that look 
As long as I am breathing
I will be hoping
And believing 
As long as I live
I will lay here
And wait
Until the moment
You look at me 
And you say
I choose you
I can’t lose you
And you hold me
Like nothing is wrong
And we both wonder why
It took this long 

Still

Strength reasoning and rationality weren’t enough. It was something with a sort of resistance and defiance that made everything else seem so feeble. So unimportant. So fleeting. It was life and love and everything painful. The gut wrenching feeling that what you’re doing is wrong, but the uncontrollable fluttering heart you hold is pulling you from every side. Tearing your sensibility apart. There is no justification, no way to describe vindicate or explain the urge. The feelings. The desire. You were still in love. The sun rose so you could see who you were missing. Every night was a dark reminder of what can never be. The love you can’t offer. The emptiness that cannot be mended. So much love has been shared, and there is so much more. And no strength reasoning or rationality could explain why you’re still alone. After all this, you’re still alone. And you’re still in love. After all this, the pain frustration heartache disappointment anger and insanity, you’re still in love. And with cold sweats and a heavy heart you will wake up, and you’re still fighting the feeling, and you’re still hating yourself, because you’re still in love. 

Anytime

It could be midnight
One in the afternoon, two, or three 
But you are there 
Every time, undoubtedly
I could be eating
Alone, or in the shower 
But the thought of your face is 
A constant reminder 
That what I feel
Is painful but true 
And I’ll never be ready
To give up on you
It could be morning
Or late afternoon
When I think of the end 
It is always too soon
A year could go by
Maybe five, maybe ten
But I’ll always feel this way
And I’d do it all again 

Back To May

Please don’t forget me
Remember me as the one
Who showed you what it’s like
To be carelessly in love
Go back to last Spring
When we both went out
To my favorite restaurant 
And we talked about
Ourselves and our pasts
You looked at my scars 
Wondering how 
I could do something like that 
We listened to music
And drank beers upstairs
I was nervous and stupid
But you didn’t care 
You grabbed my face 
You looked at me and said 
That you simply couldn’t get me 
Out of your your fucking head 
I didn’t believe you
Because I didn’t think
That soon enough I too
Would be feeling those things 
The stars were beautiful 
The air was perfect 
And despite all the pain since then 
That night was undoubtedly worth it 

I Shouldn’t Have

I shouldn’t have found you but I did
Somewhere amongst my own chaos and other things
I shouldn’t have pursued an impossible love
But my feelings gained control and I soon gave up
Gave up and gave in to the unattainable
The feelings I had were unexplainable 
Once I dove in I never resurfaced 
You gave me meaning, hope, and purpose
I shouldn’t have loved you so much and so hard 
But you gained full control of my heart 
I shouldn’t still love you the way that I do
And I pray that I won’t go crawling back to you